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Jokes of the day for Monday, 11 December 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 11 December 2017

“When you buy at the

“When you buy at the second hand store you've reached the point of no returns.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

 Mommy Mommy 03


Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!


Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!


Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!


Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!


Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #23 - Funny Photo Slideshow

In the 1500s, the Columbian wo

In the 1500s, the Columbian worldview was met with spheres resistance.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

This Woman Knows How To Extract Every Last Bit

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading on her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the IRS.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

These great questions and answ

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 May 2016
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

A group of hikers were being l

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 June 2015
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

Well what was that for?

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 December 2014
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

At NC State University, the...

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 December 2009
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (53)

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 December 2015
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (51)

Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows

When a woman has an orgasm, its like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. Its awesome. Even other women are like, Aw, shes having a nice time; thats cool. When a guy has an orgasm, its like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, youre going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 December 2011
  • Currently 3.42/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (48)

Brian Regan: Unilingual

Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? Im not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldnt say that. I dont give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 December 2010
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (43)

Jill: I just don't understand...

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 December 2016
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Eat The Watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 November 2015
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Santa and ex girlfriend

Ok! Yes! I went to my old girlfriend's house last night! It's my job!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 December 2014
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Redneck Wants To Fight

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 June 2017
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

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