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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 16 January 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 16 January 2018

New Way to Play Doctor

Two kids were deciding what game to play.
One said, “Let’s play doctor!”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You be the doctor who operates, and I’ll be the patient who sues.”

Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

“Feather dusters are

“Feather dusters are used to clean parakeets.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

A man was crossing a road one

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
#joke #animal #frog
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.48/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (21)

 The Results Of A Study


About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

#joke #short #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 August 2017
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Waiting for love

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 January 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Husband for sale

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in Auckland.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 January 2015
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (45)

Tony Rock: Alcohol Is a Drug

I love alcohol, man. Some people call alcohol a drug, too. Some people say that, Alcohols a drug. Not me, I call it a vitamin. Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.
#joke #short #drinks #alcohol
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 January 2012
  • Currently 4.47/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (43)

Masturbation Contest

Who's the world's greatest athlete? The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

#joke #short #sport #athlete
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 January 2012
  • Currently 3.28/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (39)

My mind is gone

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 January 2016
  • Currently 8.11/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (36)

Bush meets Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 January 2010
  • Currently 5.91/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (33)

A teacher told her young class...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
#joke #animal #chicken #food #egg #drinks #whisky
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 April 2016
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

First time

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 October 2014
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (11)

There's trouble with the car...

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2016
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

In high school, two boys, two...

In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy: "You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an F in English."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 March 2017
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked

April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!

April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.

Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.

You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page

Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?

How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!

Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.

Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.

Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.

Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!

Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.

Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.

Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.

What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.

What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.

What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.

What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.

What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.

What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.

What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.

What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.

What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.

What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.

Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!

What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.

What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!

What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."

What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.

What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.

What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.

What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.

Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.

Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.

You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.

#joke #thanksgiving #monday #aprilfoolsday #prank #animal #donkey #chicken
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

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