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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 January 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 18 January 2018

“I used to date a den

“I used to date a dentist. She was a real looker, but it didn't work out. The conversations were like pulling teeth.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Teacher: Today, we're going t

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #96 - Funny Photo Slideshow

You Might Be A Redneck If 10


You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

The House I'm Looking For

Billy Brown decided it was time to buy a new house, so he decided to sell his old house and put the matter in a real estate agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Bill read it, he turned to the agent and asked, 'Does my house have everything your ad says it does?'
The agent said, 'It certainly does. Why do you ask?'
Bill replied, 'Cancel the sale. It's exactly what I'm looking for!'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

My mother says she never holds...

My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago.
Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 November 2016
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

You see....

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 January 2015
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Farmer John lived on a quiet r...

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. Thetraffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at arate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving sofast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the nextday he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got todo something about these drivers. The 'schoolcrossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the countyworkers and they put up a newsign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John calledand called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked thesheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the FarmerJohn do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday tocomplain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided togive Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did youput up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killedsince then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thoughtto himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... itmight be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriffdrove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw thesign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 January 2017
  • Currently 8.94/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (47)

After dating a young lady for ...

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 January 2011
  • Currently 8.15/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (40)

Snooker Man

y did the snookerman go to the toilet, to pot brown!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 January 2010
  • Currently 2.21/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (38)

Intelligent Preference

Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
A: Opposites attract.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 January 2010
  • Currently 5.28/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (32)

Pete Holmes: Privacy Is Uncool

I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. Think about that. I think thats true cause they dont have to tap our phones or survey us when we just yield to them everything, just on our own free will. Home address? Its a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me. Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me tag those for you.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 January 2011
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (28)

A Doctor while examining a...

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
With a long pause the vet replies: "1955 I believe."
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 8.81/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (42)

Clitoris Like Mellon

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".

"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't referring to size but to taste."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 November 2015
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 August 2010
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (33)

There were three little boys v...

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2015
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (22)

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