Jokes of the day for Friday, 02 March 2018

Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

I went to a creepy d...

“I went to a creepy dermatologist the other day. He made my skin crawl.”

A police officer arrives at an

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building...
He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings."

Cowboy Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."     

Missing parrot...

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!" The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he knows how to say is, "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

A polish man in bar

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Boiled Egg

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I dont think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

A pain in the leg

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

In order to pay his medical sc...

In order to pay his medical school tuition, a student was working two jobs over the summer. One was as a butcher's assistant and the other as a hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat.
One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, "God save me! It's the butcher!"

She gets into the cab, and not...

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

That seat is reserved

A man on the train said: "That seat is reserved." I said: "Well, it's been very forward with me." Pulled up my pants and went on my way.

Lou Sanders

Picture: BBC

Dennis Rodman

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

Well, He Wanted to Know

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."