Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 20 March 2018

A grocer put up a sign that re...

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Bee that lives in America

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

Author:PM_ME_UR_VULVASAUR_

You do not know you are dead

Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid

I like a drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson.

Author:Ricky Gervais

Eating like a pig is...

“Eating like a pig is a porcine of etiquette.”

A Silent Bomb in Church

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld

The Guide For All Men

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What’s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!

Any woman can have the body of...

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a fewdrinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp asit used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body arejust prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided weget cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but theyhaven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner childplaying with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow oldbecause you stop laughing.

The penny....

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

Where ya from, Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

A fellow nurse at my hospital ...

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

A cowboy rides into town on Fr...

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday

A vertically challenged psychi...

A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."

One day my friend as...

“One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.”

Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. 

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" 

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A blonde arrived for her first...

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."