Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 March 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 23 March 2018 |
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a...
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks!
My dog is a Democrat!
Private Audience With the Holy Mother
After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate and said: "John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it; it's yours." John thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother." St. Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St. Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?" Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: "I always wanted a girl."There were two old geezers liv...
There were two old geezers living in thebackwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence.They lived on opposite sides of the river, andthey hated each other. Every morning, just aftersun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down totheir respective sides of the river and yellat each other"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky starsI cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOURlucky stars that I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and knockyour head off!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yellingacross the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallersone day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 yearsyou've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment."Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonnacross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank,came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked abouthalfway over the bridge, looked up...
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE,SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS,GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE,PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!
"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't neverlooked that big from the other side of the river!!!
Scary Collection 20
A vampire jokeWhat does a vampire say to the mirror?
Terror, terror on the wall...!
A skeleton joke
How do skeletons call their friends?
On the telebone!
A skeleton joke
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin!
A werewolf joke
Mummy, mummy what's a werewolf?
Be quiet and brush your face!
A werewolf joke
What parting gift did the werewolf parents give to their son when he left home?
A comb!
A witch joke
What is evil, ugly and goes at 125 mph?
A witch on a high speed train!
A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?
A trom-bone!
Old is when...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'
Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!
Graduation Speech
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'
What do you call a person that...
What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"
Taxes
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Q&A: Why Was Moses Wicked?
Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.
Goldfish burial
Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."
A devoted wife had spent her l...
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Three Blonds On Death Row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"