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Jokes of the day for Monday, 16 April 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 16 April 2018

Tax Preparation Software Vs. Hiring An Accountant

Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.
Marketing Strategy:
Tax Preparation Software: TurboTax’s Super Bowl commercial featured DJ Khaled
Accountant: Guy in Statue of Liberty costume twirling sign
Difficulty:
Tax Preparation Software: A little confusing to select deductions
Accountant: Terrifyingly easy to hand over your whole life to them
Best For:
Tax Preparation Software: Young, single renters with straightforward taxes
Accountant: Accountants
Speed:
Tax Preparation Software: As long as it takes you to go fill out online forms
Accountant: As long as it takes accountant to fill out online forms
Likelihood Of Having To Make Small Talk About Your Children For A Few Minutes:
Tax Preparation Software: Low
Accountant: High
Thrives On Ignorance:
Tax Preparation Software: Yes
Accountant: Yes
Greatest Benefit:
Tax Preparation Software: Not a human being
Accountant: Not a computer program
Tax Refund:
Tax Preparation Software: Smaller than you hoped
Accountant: Smaller than you hoped

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

A Woman's Random Thoughts...

A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'listen wench...do it and die.'
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #16 - Funny Photo Slideshow

I sent my baby off t...

“I sent my baby off to the army. They put him in the infantry.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

A drunk man who smelled like b...

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being withcheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the manand apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (21)

Knock Knock Collection 063

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Evan!
Evan who?
Evan and earth!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eyesore!
Eyesore who?
Eyesore do like you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ezra!
Ezra who?
Ezra no hope for me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Falafel!
Falafel who?
Falafel off my bike and cut my knee!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fanny!
Fanny who?
Fanny body home!
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Bottle Of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 22 April 2015
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

Door To Door

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 April 2014
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (87)

The only sure things are Death...

The only sure things are Death and Taxes...and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 April 2011
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (49)

A laywoman was driving down...

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 April 2017
  • Currently 7.15/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (46)

Ron White: Death Penalty in Texas

In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 April 2009
  • Currently 5.10/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (39)

Ever since we got married...

Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 April 2011
  • Currently 6.84/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (37)

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A Texas cowboy went to the den...

A Texas cowboy went to the dentist with a toothache. After an exam, the dentist told the cowboy he had a tooth that had to come out.
"I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain," the dentist explained, "and I'll be back in just a few minutes."
The old cowboy grabbed the doc's arm and said, "No way! I hate needles and I ain't havin' no shot!"
The dentist said, "That's ok, we'll just go with gas instead."
The cowboy replied, "Gas makes me sick! I ain't havin' no gas either!"
Without saying a word, the dentist turned and left the room for a minute, and when he came back, he handed the cowboy a glass of water and said, "Here, take this pill."
The cowboy looked at the pill and asked, "What is it?"
The dentist replied, "It's Viagra."
The old cowboy looked surprised and asked, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replied the dentist, "but it'll give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 August 2015
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Your Brother Named Them

A woman was rushed into the hospital in an ambulance as she was just about to give birth to twins.

At the hospital the lady was in such pain she had to be sedated.

A couple of hours after the babies had been delivered, she woke up and asked to see her children.

"Doctor, could you bring my babies to me so I can name them?"

The doctor replied, "You don't need to worry about names, your brother has already named them."

"Why did you let him name them, he has no sense! What did he call the little girl then?"

"Denise." replied the doctor.

"Oh that’s not too bad, I thought u were going to tell me he'd named her something awful! So what did he call the little boy?"

"De-nephew, of course!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 28 March 2015
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

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