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Jokes of the day for Friday, 20 April 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 20 April 2018

Guns – Good Question, Better Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (48)

My dog has an attitu...

“My dog has an attitude. He is a cocky spaniel.”

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

The Buddha's Vacuum Cleaner

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

A man tells his friend, "I wen

A man tells his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking."
"What did he say?"
"He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate."
"Did that do any good?"
"No I can't get the chocolate to light."
#joke #short #doctor #food #chocolate
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Signs of Aging...

Signs you are getting old:

1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 April 2015
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

 School Collection 31


Is that school food spicy?
No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?
I'm stumped!

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!
Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
#joke #fruit #cherry #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 December 2014
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Producing A New Gum


Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 April 2009
  • Currently 2.57/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (63)

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

#joke #animal #owl
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 April 2011
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (39)

There is no theory of evolutio...

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 April 2011
  • Currently 3.64/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (39)

The Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

#joke #animal #snake #pet
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 April 2011
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (38)

A Bible story

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

#joke #short #food #salt
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 April 2017
  • Currently 8.90/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (21)

The way to achieve true inner peace

Sir Bedevere:

'Now, why do witches burn?'

Peasant:

'...because they're made of... wood?'

Sir Bedevere:

'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?'

Peasant 2:

'Build a bridge out of her.'

From Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Picture: Rex Features

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 January 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 November 2011
  • Currently 7.88/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (16)

All Dressed Up

When a strip club isn't open there should be a sign that reads:
"Sorry, We're Clothed!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Dating Vs. Marriage

Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.
Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (20)

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