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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 21 April 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 21 April 2018

Two women are hiking in the wo

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other,
"I've always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge."
The other woman looks around and says,"Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to pee, she looks over her shoulder.
"Holly shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks down at the stream below.
"Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible

10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays. 4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again? 1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #31 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Guns – Good Question, Better Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.29/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (45)

My dog has an attitu...

“My dog has an attitude. He is a cocky spaniel.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

 To Do In Space Station


The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

  1. Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
  2. Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
  3. Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!

  4. Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.
  5. When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.
  6. Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.
  7. Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
  8. Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.
  9. Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
  10. Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.


#joke #newyear #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 August 2016
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (14)

People who live in glass house

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
#joke #halloween
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 February 2016
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (15)

Diaper change...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 April 2015
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

A father put his three year ol...

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Oh, my gosh", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 April 2017
  • Currently 9.09/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (55)

Where babies from?

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, dear.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 April 2012
  • Currently 4.82/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (50)

How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years

with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's

referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The

doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across

my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing

right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you

know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache

for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp

muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my

wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs

together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve

the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and

come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you

feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache

since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.

And, by the way you have a lovely home."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 April 2011
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (40)

Shoulda Said

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 April 2013
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (35)

Blondes it's not about gender

There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 April 2017
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (35)

A husband is advised by a psyc...

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 May 2011
  • Currently 7.90/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (10)

Halloween Handouts


The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts

  1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
  2. Teeth removing Taffy
  3. Metamucil in a straw
  4. Ex-Lax Brownies
  5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
  6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
  7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
  8. Chocolate Covered Prunes
  9. A Handful of Red Man
  10. Anything that ticks!

#joke #halloween
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 February 2014
  • Currently 6.29/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (7)

Banner in front of the toilet

MEN to the left because
WOMEN are always right!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 May 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

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