Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 24 April 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 24 April 2018 |
Do Something Nice
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his Blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.'
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
'Well,' said the Blonde brother, 'you said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie.
So I rented him a tuxedo.'
A customer at Green's Gourmet
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence."Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
“Beware of lumberjack
“Beware of lumberjacks bearing dull tools. They usually have an axe to grind!”
Ant Jokes 02
What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle?
Your great-ant!
Who was the most famous ant scientist?
Albert Antstein!
What games to ants play with elephants?
Squash!
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An antique!
What kind of ant can you colour with?
A crayant!
Who is the most famous French ant?
Napoleant!
Why did the ant-elope?
Nobody gnu!
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant!
Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they are full of antibodies!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
An independant!
Stuff Happens
Tao: Stuff happens.Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us?Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?Hinduism: This stuff happened before.Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.- Joke shared by Beliefnet member mytmouse57Send my luggage
Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.
Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.
David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer
I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos. Ant and a grasshopper
THE ORIGINAL VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green.
"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.
Gabriel Iglesias: Tear It Up
Im a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.Stuff Happens
Tao: Stuff happens.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.
Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us?
Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.
Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.
Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.
Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.
Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member mytmouse57
20 math jokes to make you laugh
I poured my root beer into a square glass...
Now I have a beer
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
What do you call a bunch of guys who love math?
Alge-bros!
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
It was over 90 degrees!
How does a mathematician plow fields?
With a pro-tractor.
What's a math teacher's favorite kind of tree?
Geometry.
Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
It improved di-vision.
Who's the king of the pencil case?
The ruler.
Why doesn't anybody talk to circles?
Because there's no point.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.
Why was the obtuse triangle always upset?
Because it's never right.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the two 4s skip lunch?
They already 8!
How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the s!
Why was math class so long?
The teacher kept going off on a tangent.
Do you know what's odd?
Every other number!
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Which king loved fractions?
Henry the ⅛.
Have you heard the one about the statistician?
Probably.
What do you call a number that can't sit still?
A roamin' numeral!
Adam and Eve
Why did god create Adam before he created Eve?
- Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Skydiving
Ole was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute. He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.
Ole jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. Ole thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the car won't be there either"
Sounds more like a nightmare...
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."
The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."
So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."
The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."
The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."