Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 08 May 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 08 May 2018 |
In the Monastery
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. 'Cold floors,' he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, 'Bad food.' They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. 'I quit,' he says.
'That’s not surprising,' the elders say. 'You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.'
Calling home, the traveling va...
Calling home, the traveling vacuum cleaner salesman complained to his wife that he'd gotten two orders that day."But darling," she declared, "that's wonderful!"
"Not so wonderful," he glumly corrected. "The first was 'Get out' and the second was 'Stay out.'"
Silly Collection 04
What do golfers use in China?China tees!
What kind of hair do oceans have?
Wavy!
Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!
In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!
Lions, in the Park?
Well, dandelions!
What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!
What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
Row, Row, Row Your Boat?
A student was asked if he knew what Roe v. Wade was about. He answered that he thought it was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware.I've noticed the strangest th...
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars alot.It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have nowife to go home to... or they do.
Stopped for speeding...
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, 'What's the problem, Officer?'Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.'
Man: 'No Sir, I was going 65.'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you were going 80.' (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.'
Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.' (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.'
Man: 'Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.'
The man turns to his wife and yells, 'SHUT YOUR MOUTH!'
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?'
The wife says, 'No, only when he's been drinking!!!'
Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
Some people get lucky and kill...
Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.Four legs
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Chuck Norris can speak braille...
Chuck Norris can speak braille.An Unusual Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their
owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his
income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,
you get your dog back!"
Doctor Doctor Collection 04
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible
Who said that?
These two guys had both just g...
These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble."
The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
The following year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah," said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him," said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board!"
A woman can always tell if
A woman can always tell if a man loves her by how much time he’s willing to invest. Money spent is meaningless, but time spent is priceless.