Jokes of the day for Monday, 14 May 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 14 May 2018 |
I was on the Subway
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?'
I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
At a local coffee bar, a young...
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
In the vinyl analysi...
“In the vinyl analysis, plastic waste in the ocean poses a serious threat to marine life.”
God is Watching
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples." A woman calls her boss one mor...
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
New savings account...
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'
Jeff Dunham: How Women Age
Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.Walter: Shes getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: Shes aging like milk.
God Takes a Vacation
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
As the plane was flying low ov...
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?""Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
Jeff Dunham: Coffee as a Sex-Enhancer?
Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life. Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it? Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate! How Fast Was I Going?
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
Snowman auto correct issue
Sup?
Heading to gym.
Armday-gonna turn these twigs into logs, you?
Doing some shopping then melting my family.
You're what!?
Meeting! Meeting! Stupid auto correct
Image Credit: Shaun Wilders
A blond goes to Target
A blonde was shopping at Target &came across a shiny silver thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & tookit to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold thingscold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blonde replied......'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
Dining Companion
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing
sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."