Jokes of the day for Monday, 04 June 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 04 June 2018 |
My Wife a Chicken
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
Five year old Little Johnny wa...
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font. A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov. Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.Joe passed away. His will prov
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
Scary Collection 39
A skeleton joke
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on!
A werewolf joke
Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?
Anywhere he wants to!
A ghost joke
How do ghosts like their drinks?
Ice ghoul!
A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?
Boney M!
A vampire joke
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won't get stake!
A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
He was a numbskull!
A werewolf joke
I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!
Mellowing mother...
I have five siblings . . . three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from her first child to her last.
She told me she really had mellowed quite a lot over the years . . .
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
The Shopping Criminal
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Dan St. Germain: Too Lazy to Kill
I could never be a serial killer because Im way too lazy to follow a pattern. I used to murder women that look like Grandmother but now -- mostly delivery men. The sun sets from fear of Chuc...
The sun sets from fear of Chuck Norris.Sheng Wang: Man With a Comb Over
If you can show me a man with a comb over, I can show you a man who thinks that by crushing a bag of chips, you make more chips. Trivial Pursuit
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?
She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Come On, Ride the Train
Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out? A: There wouldn't be any. It's an electric train.
Punctuality
A company owner was asked a question, 'How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?'
He smiled & replied, 'It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces.
...... One is paid parking.'
Little Johnny Goes Fishing
Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."