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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 11 July 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 11 July 2018

The bride was anything but a t

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper.
It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed, "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
#joke #short #food #honey #wedding #bride
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

“What do you call a m

“What do you call a melancholy robot? A sighborg.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Morris and his wife Esther wen

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, andevery year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in thathelicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but thathelicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get anotherchance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for theentire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say oneword, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds offancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricksover and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to getyou to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said somethingwhen Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

 A Collection Of Insults


At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.
Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

#joke #animal #pig #bull #food #hungry
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

In the Beginning…

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.Then God created man, and then they both rested.Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 March 2018
  • Currently 5.95/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (19)

Good answer!

Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A con man

A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 July 2015
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

The Baloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 July 2012
  • Currently 6.04/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (45)

D.L. Hughley: Police Following You

You ever have the police follow you so long, you get suspicious of your damn self? Maybe I did kill them people. Im a go ahead and turn myself in.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 July 2012
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (45)

Bad Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 July 2011
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (44)

Marc Maron: Mathematical Cure for Jealousy

I used to be jealous; Im not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if youre jealous, its a cancer, its a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And Im not a math person at all, but Ive been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, Id like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- Im still winning.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 July 2010
  • Currently 3.41/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (39)

Internet addictions

Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)

As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.

A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

Diagnostic Criteria

(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction

(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet

(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following

(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome

(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.

(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:

(a) psychomotor agitation

(b) anxiety

(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet

(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet

(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers

(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning

(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended

(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use

(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials

(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.

(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 July 2011
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (35)

Say What

When my 14-year-old son, Patrick, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!"
After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry folks, that's PAT Hogan!"

#joke #short #sport #baseball
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Only Reason You Married Me

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her.
'Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million.'
'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied. 'I don't care who left it to you.'

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 October 2017
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

An out-of-towner drove his car...

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
#joke #animal #horse
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 December 2016
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Birthday cake for wife

On wife's b'day, man ordered a cake on phone.
Salesman: What message to put on the cake?
Man: Write “Getting older but U R getting better.”
Salesman: kaise likhna hai message ?
Man: Well.. put “U R getting older” at the top and “but U R getting better” at the bottom.
When the cake was opened all guests died laughing at the message.
It read: “You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!”

#joke #food #cake
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 December 2014
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

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