Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Teacher: What is the chemical

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Johnny: HIJKLMNO
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Johnny: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

“What do you call a t

“What do you call a tunnel engineer who always talks about his business? A bore.”

Is That Too Much To Ask?

Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"Sarah responded, "Well ... He WAS wearing a hat."

 Business One-liners 121

Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Mencken's Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.
Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Nolan's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

A little old lady answered a k...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!

Grandpa, can you...?

A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

Life cycle of software

The Life Cycle of Software

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
19. See step 2

John Mulaney: Women Friends

I think that women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other. You could never put together a heist of women. Like Oceans 11 with women wouldnt work cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine.

Potatoes!

One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoe sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potatoe sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....

'POTATOES POTATOES!'

Sticky Hair?

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.

Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

One day, a guy went into a sto...

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds".

The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."