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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 09 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 09 September 2018

A wealthy man was having an af...

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several months. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

 Answering Machine Message 254


Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #95 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God please grant me chastity, but not just yet."- St. Augustine
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (12)

Why did the cow get...

“Why did the cow get put down? Because she was Pasteur best!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (12)

Two deaf men were talking on t

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being outlate the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when Igot home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get intotrouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife waswide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing atme and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 December 2015
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (15)

It's your turn...

St.Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?"

St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." .

The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for that..",

St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" ,

The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..."

St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!"

A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer on your side ...?!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 15 September 2015
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 September 2011
  • Currently 7.38/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (48)

Deon Cole: Getting Fit

When I moved out to LA they told me I had to work out. I was like, I dont wanna do that. They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like... The most important thing is, you cant eat late at night or youll get fat. And Im like, Forget that, you supposed to eat late at night. He was like, No you not. Im like, Well, why they put a light in the refrigerator?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 September 2011
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (48)

A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 September 2016
  • Currently 9.24/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (42)

Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 September 2010
  • Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (40)

Donald Glover: iPhone Raps

I write raps so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone. So I was writing the n-word in my iPhone and my iPhone goes, Did you mean niggardly? And I was like, No iPhone. I meant n***er; write it. But then, two weeks later, I was writing Jigga -- which is the shortened form of Jay-Z. And my iPhone goes, Did you mean n***er? And I went, Whoa, iPhone. You do not get to say that.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 September 2012
  • Currently 3.93/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (40)

Trying to Please Mama

The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration.
"I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?”
"Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.”
"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”
"Mom, I’m going to the president. I can get you the food you need.”
"But how will I get there?”
"I’ll send a limo, Mom. Just come!”
"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”
The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future cabinet members. She nudged the man on her right. “See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 March 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Husband Calling

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.
"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.
"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.
"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 August 2014
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

I must have a rais...

"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 August 2016
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

I believe...

A Scottish atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in the lake when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the Scotsman sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 December 2016
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

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