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Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 17 September 2018

A new neigbour arrives. The ki...

A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet.
The local kid: "My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?"
The other kid answers, "Alaska".
The first one replies, "Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask 'er myself!"
#joke #short #mother #mom
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

I just finished building a car using...

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine. I'm going to take it for a spin later.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

A food fight is roll...

“A food fight is roll playing.”

#joke #short #food
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

Technology Is Too Good

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Seattle, Washington:
The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.
Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.
#joke #animal #bird
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A young banker decided to get...

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went tothe finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later hewent in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous,he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to puthis hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were nopockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tellme you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in hisown pockets?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 May 2018
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble...

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou sucketh.'

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'

5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap.'

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, 'Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening.'

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

#joke #food #cheese
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 September 2015
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

100 pound pig

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.

The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".

Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

#joke #animal #pig #mother #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 September 2011
  • Currently 3.66/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (62)

A passenger in a taxi leaned o...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 September 2010
  • Currently 7.93/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (46)

Eugene Mirman: If a Bear Attacks

Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? A lot of people do think youre supposed to play dead, which is not what youre supposed to do. And the best thing about playing dead is -- thats like a rumor that bears spread.
#joke #short #animal #bear
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 September 2011
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (42)

How to Make Holy Water

Q: How did the bishop make holy water?
A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 September 2017
  • Currently 7.68/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (37)

Expensive Barbie!

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

#joke #sport #gym
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 September 2016
  • Currently 8.54/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (28)

Monday to Sunday ... Sunday to Monday

NY to Chicago = 1,271 km
Chicago to NY = 1,271 km

January to December = 12 months
December to January = 12 months

Ground Floor to 15th Floor = 15 floors
15th Floor to Ground Floor = 15 floors

Monday to Sunday = 6 days
Sunday to Monday = 1 DAY!!

Image credit: Rizwan Elias

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 December 2014
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Goldfish burial

Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."

The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."

#joke #animal #cat #goldfish
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 April 2018
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum

Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 3.98/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (40)

A man and a woman had been mar...

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

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