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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 22 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 22 September 2018

 Ponderings Collection 36


It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

“I have a friend who

“I have a friend who owns a delivery service, is business picking up or dropping off?”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #8 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant."Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?""I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?""I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews.""Are you sure?" Al asked."I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews.""Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.""Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
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Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

A woman comes home and finds h

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!"
The husband replies, "Darling, can't you see I'm trying? I've cut down."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 May 2018
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

One wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 September 2015
  • Currently 8.37/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (75)

The stockbroker received notic

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.
He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountantpored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 July 2015
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 September 2011
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (56)

Bowlegged

Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?

Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 September 2008
  • Currently 4.77/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (48)

Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 22 September 2012
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (40)

Teacher and student

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 September 2014
  • Currently 7.53/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (36)

Musicians and Lightbulbs

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 September 2013
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (35)

Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss, dream?

Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss, dream?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 December 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

When I die

'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'

Bob Monkhouse (1928-2003)

Picture: Rex Features

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 January 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

People don't always post on my Facebook wall

People don't always post on my Facebook wall but when they do, they wish me happy birthday and then ignore me for another year.
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 May 2016
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Dogs and Marine Biologists

What is the difference between dogs and marine biologists?
One wags a tail, and the other tags a whale.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

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