Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 October 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 18 October 2018 |
Answering Machine Message 172
Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.
Snow Days
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."A Little Extra In The Soup....
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!
He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"
A man and his wife were drivin
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York toCalifornia.Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station andfill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to thehigh octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's lookingthe car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy isa 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CDplayer in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack andpinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrumentpackage, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes intohis other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the changeare a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Chuck Norris does not beg to d...
Chuck Norris does not beg to differ. Differ begs to Chuck Norris.Little Nancy was in the garden...
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."
Second Honeymoon
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.""Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...
This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot? 
A Poisonous Wife
A man goes to see his Rabbi."Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Bank Teller
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
I’m worried about your heart...
I’m worried about your heart murmur,” the doc told Jack. “I’ve always had a heart murmur,” Jack protested. “Yeah,” replied the doc, “but now the murmur has started humming.” “That doesn’t sound good!” Jack was getting worried now. “It’s worse than you think,” the doc said. “It’s humming ‘Nearer My God to Thee.’”A husband stepped on one of th...
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
