Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 October 2018

A man goes to the eye doctor.

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
The man replies, "No, just spots."

“Doughnut, that word

“Doughnut, that word has a certain ring to it.”

 Answering Machine Message 172

Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.

Snow Days

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

A Little Extra In The Soup....

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!

He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"

A man and his wife were drivin

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York toCalifornia.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station andfill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to thehigh octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's lookingthe car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy isa 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CDplayer in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack andpinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrumentpackage, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes intohis other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the changeare a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Chuck Norris does not beg to d...

Chuck Norris does not beg to differ. Differ begs to Chuck Norris.

Little Nancy was in the garden...

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

Second Honeymoon

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...

This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot?

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A huge muscular man walks into...

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No s***?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

Insults

A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were doing some holiday shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening, and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to marry you!"

He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's OK, I won't tell you who the father is!"

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

Dwayne Kennedy: Hard Working Mexicans

Mexicans work hard, brother. They work harder than everybody. Mexicans have the strongest work ethic on earth. If Mexicans had been slaves, slavery wouldve been over real quick because theyd have done 300 hours of work in about nine hours and still have time for a soccer game.