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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 15 December 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 15 December 2018

“After a gruelling wo

“After a gruelling workout the boxer was so tired he decided to drink a glass of punch and hit the sack.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

12 Italian Priests

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line-up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

SLIDESHOW #113 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Newest MS Computer Game


Solitaire '99
Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product.
Microsoft Solitaire '98
README file, v4.3
Welcome!
Congratulations!
Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!"
For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*
Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.
System Requirements:
- 266 MHz Pentium II or better
- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)
- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)
Installation Procedure:
1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray.
2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer.
3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure.
4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray.
5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions.
6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch.
Playing The Game:
Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98.
To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs.
For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates.
Coming Soon:
Minesweeper '99!
Watch this space.
[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Catsup

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 December 2015
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Last summer Ed met a woman whi...

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 31 October 2015
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Heaven and Hell

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 October 2015
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

There was a blonde. She had nev...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior expierience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse. The horse started off at an easy gallop,the blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horses mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup! She was at the mercy of the horses feet, and right before she was knocked unconcious.... the manager of wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 15 December 2009
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (58)

5 shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 15 December 2010
  • Currently 5.61/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (57)

Really funny jokes-Facebook Addiction

If you are on Facebook, I am sure you will find this hilarious.
The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the "Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)" and the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted the department she was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)."
It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering,"I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."
A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.
"Don't worry. It'll be all right."
"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."
"How long has it been?"
"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."
The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.
"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."
"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."
"How soon were you hooked?"
"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."
"What do you like most about Facebook?"
"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."
"Who's he?"
"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."
"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."
"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."
"Let me guess. Farmville?"
"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."
"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"
"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "
"What pic are you using?"
"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."
"To make yourself look prettier?"
"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."
"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"
"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."
"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"
"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"
"What did you do?"
"What else? I unfriended him of course!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 15 December 2011
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (42)

Michael Ian Black: Pills

I dont drink, and I dont do drugs, but Ill take a pill. Ill take any pill, you know what I mean? Cause pills cant hurt me! Cause theyre made by companies.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 15 December 2011
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (39)

Blonde and Psychiatrist

A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are

complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next

best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my

zip code keeps

changing."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 15 December 2011
  • Currently 3.74/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (34)

Chinese laundry

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 August 2016
  • Currently 7.79/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (47)

Stopped By The Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 October 2013
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (28)

The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on

his first assignment one day. He submitted the following

report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is

recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her

breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a

family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed

the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a

one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital

with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 4.52/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (44)

The Accident That's About to Happen

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

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