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Jokes of the day for Monday, 31 December 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 31 December 2018

“What do you call it

“What do you call it when a dog eats your Birkenstocks? Sandal-ism.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Bertha Belch and Other Bloopers

Church Bulletin
  • "Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  • Ushers will eat latecomers.
  • Miss Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

  • r>

r>Church Marquee
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  • Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
  • Under same management for thousands of years.
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #10 - Funny Photo Slideshow

New Years Resolutions You C

New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
Read less.
I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Watch less TV in standard definition.
Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
Watch more movie remakes.
Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
Procrastinate more.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
Drink. Drink some more.
Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials.
Start being superstitious.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
#joke #newyear
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

For those of you who watch wha

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the finalword on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know thetruth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewerheart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots ofsausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks thanAmericans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

The new dads!

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.

"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 January 2016
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

 Answering Machine Message 81


Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 May 2015
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

A frog walks into a bank. He g...

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who deperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 December 2009
  • Currently 5.70/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (89)

Chuck Norris destroyed the per...

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 31 December 2011
  • Currently 4.52/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (44)

Problem With Women

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 December 2009
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (37)

Three Guys In A Bar...

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 31 December 2010
  • Currently 5.32/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (37)

During a recent password audit...

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 December 2017
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (33)

Love and beer

I love you.

Is it you or the beer talking?

It’s me. Talking to my beer.

Funny Metal Sign sold on Amazon

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A man was seen fleeing down th...

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 January 2016
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

Money Talks

They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 February 2016
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

To the thief who stole my pill...

To the thief who stole my pillow, know this. I will not rest until I find you.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 August 2018
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

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