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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 03 February 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 03 February 2019

We have two test tubes here...

"We have two test tubes here," said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. "They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa.
If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?"
"Could you possibly give us a demonstration?" asked an awed member of the audience.
"I'm sorry, not tonight," said the professor, "Solution A has a headache."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.19/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (16)

School Collection 15

What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?
Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms!

Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!

What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
Toga-ether we can rule the world!

Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The school bus!

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #19 - Funny Photo Slideshow

One does not select...

“One does not select a gun by rifling through the hunting section.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (13)

An old man was relaxing at his

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 June 2017
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (19)

Grandma!

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 February 2016
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (15)

Rising to the Occasion

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology

professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided

the next time he did something offensive, they would all

stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very

next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African

natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be

interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a

cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The

next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 February 2010
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (64)

The three wise men are out for...

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 February 2010
  • Currently 3.93/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (57)

In light of the rising frequen...

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 February 2015
  • Currently 8.77/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (48)

Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 February 2009
  • Currently 7.57/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (47)

Air & Sex

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 February 2015
  • Currently 6.82/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (44)

Cheerleaders Vs. St. Peter

A high school cheerleading squad were in a bus that shot off a cliff killing all onboard... Don't laugh yet! 
When they got to heaven they were met by St. Peter at the gate.
He asked the first girl if she had done anything with any boys, and she said to St. Peter that she had held a boys hand, so St. Peter told her to wash her hands in the holy water before entering heaven. 
St. Peter then asked the second girl the same question, and she said she had kissed a boy, so Peter told her to wash her lips in holy water before entering heaven. 
Then Peter noticed two farther back in line girls arguing over their position in line. 
Peter asked the girls what was going on, and the one girl said to him, "I'm not gargling that after she sits in it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 December 2014
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Advice From a Wise Woman

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Native American Woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 April 2018
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

85 Years Old

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 April 2014
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (10)

A blonde is swimming in a rive...

A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "I'm washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2014
  • Currently 5.07/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (41)

A guy who had forgotten the da...

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.
He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" the guy asked.
"Have you tried a wife?" the clerk responded.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 January 2017
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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