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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 12 February 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 12 February 2019
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.95/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (37)

All of his life Len from Cape...

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.74/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (54)

SLIDESHOW #15 - Funny Photo Slideshow

How Many Wives?

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.41/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (54)

A man and his wife return home...

A man and his wife return home from a pleasant evening out and while she is getting ready for bed, he slips down to the kitchen. He returns a few moments later with a glass of water, which he hands to her.
"What's this for?" she asks, rather puzzled.
"It's aspirin for your headache."
"But I haven't got a headache..."
"Aha!! Gotcha!!!"
#joke
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

I try to avoid makin...

“I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it's a farce of habit.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

In a crowded city at a busy bu...

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzipa little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist andplaced her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,"Well, ma'am, normally I wouldagree with you, but after you unzippedmy fly three times, I kindafigured we was friends."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Name two of Santa's reindeer...

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.

"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 February 2016
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Getting Into Fights

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 September 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

The old hotdog trick

We've all seen him, the party drunk/asshole. He has too much to drink, makes an ass out of himself, barfs all over the rug, then passes out on your bed.

We had a guy on the boat (I'm in the USN sub force) who would get so drunk when we pulled into a liberty port the asshole had to be carried back and dumped in his rack. We didn't want the MP's to snag him because that makes the boat look bad and our dickhead CO might have secured everyone's liberty.

To take care of this once and for all, we brought him back one night, out cold of course, and placed him in his rack on his side with his ass pointing to us. One person pulled down is pants and underwear while another person ran to the freezer and Doc's office. The second person came back with a frozen hotdog and a condom.

Here is how you do this little stunt:

1. Unwrap the condom and place it over the frozen hotdog. A lubricated one works best.

2. Shove the device up the guys ass and leave it there for a second or two. The condensation from the hotdog will allow it to be removed from the condom while leaving the rubber in the asshole.

3. Pull the victims pants up and leave them unbuttoned and unbuckled.

(OPTIONAL)

The less people involved the better. When our victim woke up and went to the head we all had to leave to keep from cracking up. When he was done with his shit, shower, and shave, he came to the mess decks for chow. He sat next to a friend of mine who was involved with the shen and asked, "Hey man, what happened last night?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing. You started drinking with some dork from a skimmer and the next thing we knew you guys were off to the bars out in town. Why?"

He had a mortified look on his face.

"Uhh, just wondering."

He never got trashed again while on that deployment.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 February 2011
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (55)

Why does the bride always wear...

Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 February 2010
  • Currently 4.66/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (50)

Can you spell that?

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 February 2009
  • Currently 5.95/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (21)

My mind is gone...

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 February 2010
  • Currently 6.47/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (19)

Sheep and Kangaroo

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A sweater with big pockets.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 February 2013
  • Currently 5.84/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (19)

Proof of my insanity

Proof of my insanity was when I stole a dried grape from a cow: Textbook unraisin-a-bull behaviour.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach

I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I’m far from being considered a model but, I’m me. I eat food. I have curves. I have more fat than I should. I have scars because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I love my Pj’s and I go without makeup and sometimes don’t get my hair done. I’m random and sometimes I say crazy things. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won’t change! And if I love you…I do it with all my Heart! I make no apologies for who I am.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 March 2016
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

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