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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 February 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 26 February 2019

One student fell into a cycle

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
He didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Subject to Approval

An item for sale on craigslist....
"Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. [If she’s home, $100.]"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #51 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A grocer delivery man was sick

A grocer delivery man was sick and so he got his mate to stand in for him. "Now listen," said the sick dude, "deliver these groceries to Mrs. Franny. Remember, her name is Fanny with an 'r'."
"Okay," says his mate, "got it."
So his mate gets the groceries, puts them in his truck, and drives down the road, thinking to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r." He stops at the lights still saying to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."
Finally, he finds the house and goes up to the front door, still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r", knocks on the door, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."
The lady opens the door and he is still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r." And he says to her, "Here are your groceries, Mrs. Krunt!!!"
#joke
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

“I don't think the q

“I don't think the quarterback should have faked the throw and started to run. It was a faux pass.”

#joke #short
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Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

 Travel In A Sailboat


The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

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Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Jokes written on the walls

1. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. - Men's room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY.

2. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t. - Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC.

3. Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library. Duke University.

4. If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Maggies Pizza, Washington, D.C.

5. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married. - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT.

6. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, NY.

7. A woman's rule of thumb, if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom, Dallas, TX.

8. I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality... but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse. - The Cellar Restaurant, VA.

9. Hey Nike, I just did it! - Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 03 September 2018
  • Currently 7.05/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (20)

The Veterinarian

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 March 2016
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Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 February 2010
  • Currently 8.04/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (48)

Copies of Copies

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help

the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed,

however, that they were copying copies, not the original

books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about

this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first

copy, that error would be continued in all of the other

copies.

The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies

for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head

monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to

check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went

downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from

the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over

one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.

"The word is 'celebrate'," said the head monk.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 February 2010
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (39)

A traveling salesman was held ...

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions."

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 February 2010
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (36)

A few minutes before the churc...

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 February 2017
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (33)

Catholic Definitions

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Incense: Holy Smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.
Justice: When your children have kids of their own.
Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 February 2010
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Rating: 5.9/10 (31)

The salesman claimed...

“The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 06 August 2015
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Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Tough Dog

He tells the clerk that he wants a dog.
The clerk asks, "What kind of demeanor do you want the dog to have?"
The man says, "I'm looking for a guard dog, demeanor the better!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several months. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it" he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 March 2013
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