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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 27 February 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 27 February 2019

Its pissing down and this midg

Its pissing down and this midget goes to the doctors and says "Every time it rains my fanny gets sore".
He tells her to hop onto the examining couch. He bends over and looks up her skirt. "I see the problem," he says. And taking a pair of scissors shoves them up her skirt. Snip snip snip snip he goes with the scissors. "There that's fixed it" he says. "Your fanny wont be sore any more"
"Did you operate on my fanny doctor?" asks the midget.
"No" said the doctor, "I cut 2 inches off the tops of your wellingtons".
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

“Woodcraft is a log c

“Woodcraft is a log canoe.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Time for Pay Raise

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him gas, electric, and cable.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.38/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (42)

 Travel In A Sailboat


The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

The juryman petitioned the cou...

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring: "I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town today for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money."
"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 April 2018
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Old Josh was sat in his garden...

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
#joke #animal #worm
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 November 2017
  • Currently 7.68/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (37)

Good news and bad news

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."

HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."

HER "Well, the air bag works."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 March 2016
  • Currently 7.97/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (38)

A linguistics professor was le...

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 February 2010
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (57)

It was a stifling hot day and ...

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
#joke #doctor #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 February 2010
  • Currently 7.73/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (55)

What does the left leg of a bl...

What does the left leg of a blonde say to her right leg?
Nothing they have never met.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 February 2010
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (44)

Answering Machine Message 32


Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 February 2010
  • Currently 4.65/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (40)

A father and his daughter wher...

A father and his daughter where in a crowded elevator. Suddenly a woman near them turned around and slapped that father in the face then stormed off at the next stop.
His daughter said, "It's okay Dad, I didn't like her either. She stepped on my foot so I pinched her."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 June 2015
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Death in the Family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.

What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 July 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

The American education and Pink Floyd

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

...

They've left those kids a loan.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 September 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

What do I look like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"
The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"

#joke #food #cake #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 July 2014
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

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