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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 02 March 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 02 March 2019

Girls Are Smarter

"Daddy, did you know that girls are smarter than boys?"
"No, I didn’t know that."
"There you go."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

The office playboy had a date

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.
"Really?"
"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
#joke
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #73 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“The ditch-digger did

“The ditch-digger didn't just quit, he yelled, 'Take this job and shovel it!'”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

 Buying A New Farm


A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 November 2017
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Harry did like he always did e

Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.
"What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster!
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel being a hen?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can," said the rooster.
Harry clucked twice, and pushed with all his might and then 'Plop' and a egg was on the ground.
"Wow," Harry said, "that feels much better!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry! Wake up. You're pooping all over the bed!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 September 2017
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

I had the toughest time of my

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitiswas followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 January 2017
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

I forgot!

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 March 2016
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

A polish man in bar

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 March 2011
  • Currently 6.37/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (41)

Boiled Egg

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I dont think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 March 2010
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (37)

True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 March 2010
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (35)

Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 March 2018
  • Currently 7.81/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (27)

A man and a woman started to h...

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 March 2016
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Carrot jokes

It is International Carrot Day! Have a carrot!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

Why did the carrot get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its field!

Why do carrots never start a fight?
Because they always turnip the beet!

What do you call a carrot that insults other vegetables?
A veggie-taunter!

#joke #carrotday #internationalcarrotday
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, ag...

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner?
The pharmacist answers, Yes.
Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?
Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.
Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease?
Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers?
Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes.
Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 15 July 2017
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Tony Roberts: Old Grandmother

My grandmother is older than the word supper.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 January 2012
  • Currently 4.72/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (18)

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