Jokes of the day for Saturday, 09 March 2019

How We Got Here

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
"What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

"Absence makes the heart

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a much repeated cliche. Generally, cliches have truth in them and that is how they reach that cliche status. This one, however, falls short of eternal human truth and needs revising.
I say this only because I notice that people will think fondly of someone they miss only up to a point. What is that point? Invariably it is when the person doing the missing hits the wall and decides there is no good reason for the absence - regardless of the intentions of the one being missed.
So, I submit that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" should be revised to be more consistent with the human experience: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder until I decide you are an evil, selfish, pig who knows less about anything than a blind monkey constantly masturbating in a corner of the zoo, because you hurt my feelings by not giving me any face-time. Jagoff."

“What do you call it

“What do you call it when you take a picture of your favorite bookcase? A shelf-ie!”

A man boarded a plane with 6 k

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Family letters...

Dear dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

*****************************************

Dear son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even a hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

 Seminars For A Woman

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.
The following courses will be offered:
General Education:
GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")

The ABC's of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

up, comedians, funny videos, d...

up, comedians, funny videos, dane cook, mike birbiglia, eugene mirman, demetri martin, jeff dunham, katt williams, daily joke, joke of the day, funny jokes, yo mama, jokes, redneck, blond, george bush, bush, lawyer, favorite, list, animal, college, dumb

Natasha Leggero: Boston Blackout

This girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and shes like, Hey, youve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you? I never woke up at a party.

Men are like a pack of Cards...

Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...

Kidnapped

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work. Z
One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'

After 3 years, the wife starts

After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

A couple, the Browns, decide t...

A couple, the Browns, decide to find a therapist to spice up their love life. They finally decide on one that advertises he won't take your money unless he can help. They go to the appointment and have lengthy physical and psychological exams.
They meet the therapist and he says, "I believe I can help you". The Browns are ecstatic and listen intently.
He says to them, "Tonight, on your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery and buy grapes and donuts. When you get home I want you to both undress in the living room. Sir, I want you to roll the grapes on the floor with your nose, all the way across the room and into your wife's crotch. Then madam, I want you to take the donuts and see how many ringers you can score on your husband".
They call back in a few days to say their new games have really spiced things up. The Brown's are so happy, they tell their friends, the Smiths about it.
So they go to see the therapist. The therapist meets with them and says, "I'm sorry I cannot take your money as I cannot help you". They beg and beg, and finally the therapist gives in...
"On your way home tonight I want you to stop at the grocery and by apples and cheerios".

Final arrangements

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week."

7 Funny short jokes to wake you up

We just watched the Tetris movie.
It's a blockbuster

My family is getting sick of me telling dad jokes 24/7.
Or should I say “they are sick of me telling dad jokes 3.428571428571429”?

When I was younger I had a job pretending to be a statue.
I held that position for some time.

The new thought-activated car they're working on is going to be even more popular than the voice-activated one.
It goes without saying.

My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me

I have two questions about this Taylor Swift lady:
What kind of clothes does she make? And how fast does she make them, really?

I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.
At least not right off the top of my head.

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?
A heavy drinker.