Join us on WhatsApp
Join us on Viber

Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 April 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 18 April 2019

“Our high school math

“Our high school math teacher moonlights by selling concessions at local baseball games. He is a true ballpark figure.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Please Come Back

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

SLIDESHOW #131 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Answering Machine Message 259


These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Q :How did Harry Potter ge

Q :How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
A: Walking......Jk,Rowling

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't care one way or the other.
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

The chief of staff of the US A...

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 October 2018
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

The runner

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 April 2016
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

According to the Knight Rider

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metalbands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds hasbeen changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received thefollowing letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 December 2014
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Chuck Norris can make Batman c...

Chuck Norris can make Batman cry.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 April 2011
  • Currently 2.92/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (50)

Converting a Bear

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ShinwaNate

#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 April 2011
  • Currently 7.17/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (47)

A man wakes up one morning to...

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's anad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be overin 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got aladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull."What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going togo up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseballbat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab histesticles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to puthim in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 April 2016
  • Currently 8.68/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (38)

Would you watch my car?

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2009
  • Currently 6.56/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (34)

Ideas About Science


The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2009
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (26)

@DSGermain - They say behind every strong man ...

They say behind every strong man, there’s a strong woman.
Well, behind every fuckup, there’s a best friend saying, “Go for it,...

@DSGermain

http://on.cc.com/1AHspdw

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 January 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Qualifying For Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 January 2016
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.