Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 April 2019

This lady found out her dog co

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Nine lives

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,

"How many times?".

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

Imagine that

Can u believe what people do in the church these days?

I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.

I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.

Toaster

“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.”

Celtic Mortality

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

An older couple had a son, who...

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them.The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unableto decide about his career path, so they decided to do a smalltest.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey,and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hopinghe would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will bea businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; butif he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will bea drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waitednervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their sonarrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later.Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against thelight, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took theBible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, hegrabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiffto be assured of the quality, then he left for his roomcarrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's evenworse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.

Two men were talking...

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

The place where I work decided...

The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.
The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.
I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.
"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."
"Did you put the battery in the phone?"
"Not the extra one."
"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."
(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."