Jokes of the day for Monday, 06 May 2019

“Years of arching one

“Years of arching ones back over a keyboard can lead to scrolliosis.”

During a recent password audit

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MikeMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyRome
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Electoral Ink

At an election booth, a woman was applying electoral ink to her forefinger.
She asked, "How long will this last?"
The officer replied, "60 days!"
The woman asks, "Could you please color my hair as well?"

Must watch Advice – Sinbad on Marraige

 Did You Make A Donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

A guy is standing on the corne

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.
A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer".
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

Morality

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A Blonde goes over to her fri

A Blonde goes over to her friend's houseWearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank GodIt's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn'tRealize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'

Team Spirit

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

There are no races, only count...

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

A couple pulled into the drive...

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

Rain Rain Go Away

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it...
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

Haven't I seen your face before?

- "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
- "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
- "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

I just need to make it

I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.

Sarah Millican (May 29 1975-)

Picture: BBC

Walk across the lake

At a family gathering, Fred's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather bragged that they had all been able to walk on water to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks. So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the center of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned. Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked kindly into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January, and you were born in August."

Joke found on https://www.sysnative.com/ on Ongoing Joke Thread forum, posted on Jun 6, 2013 by DonnaB