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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 18 May 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 18 May 2019

Boy walks in on his dad mastur

Boy walks in on his dad masturbating. Never having seen anyone do this, he says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
His dad replies, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon enough!"
"Really? Why's that, Daddy?"
"Well, my arm is getting tired..."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.10/10

Rating: 2.1/10 (20)

“An acupuncturist is

“An acupuncturist is a pin doctor.”

#joke #short #doctor
  • Currently 3.07/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (15)

SLIDESHOW #102 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The Comforting Mother

Daughter: " I don't like the boy you found for me... his teeth are not in order and he looks ugly when he smiles."
Mother: "Don't worry about that. He will not be smiling after he marries you."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

People who live in glass house

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print.There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella,then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequencyin middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybodyhas the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,we'll have thousands of old ladiesrunning around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortableto cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,you are probably dead.
#joke #halloween
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 January 2019
  • Currently 3.35/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (17)

 Top Ten Error Messages


The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought

  1. "That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."
  2. "If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
  3. "The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."
  4. "Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."
  5. "Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."
  6. "Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."
  7. "Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."
  8. "That General Protection Fault is not yours."
  9. "You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"
  10. "I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"


#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 March 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Google's pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza (Pizza Hut)?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it (Google bought Pizza Hut).

- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 May 2017
  • Currently 8.55/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (288)

Chuck Norris can drink an enti...

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 May 2011
  • Currently 2.43/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (69)

Owen Benjamin: Public Restrooms for Guys

Its not an enjoyable place. We get a urinal; we dont get real estate. Its a little, creepy urinal, right? Ladies, you know what it feels like in the elevator when youre in complete silence with a bunch of strangers? Now put your penis in your hand.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 May 2011
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (49)

What's white and if it fell ou...

What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A fridge.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 May 2010
  • Currently 4.24/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (45)

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- What is this, a joke?

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 May 2011
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (38)

Will you marry me?

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 November 2012
  • Currently 8.51/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (37)

Preposition

A small-town country boy gets a scholarship to Harvard. During his first week on campus, when he's still learning to get around the place, he's trying to find the library to meet up with a study group. While wandering around, he sees an older, distinguished-looking man walking by. Figuring that the man is a professor, or otherwise associated with the school, he decides to ask him for directions.

"Excuse me," he asks, "do you know where the library is at?"

The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, "Son, at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition".

"OK. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 July 2016
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

Christian Finnegan: Gym Membership

I joined a gym recently. I dont have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this times gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either Ill get into shape, or Ill just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 October 2011
  • Currently 5.35/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (20)

Mr. Jones is driving past the...

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 February 2017
  • Currently 8.84/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (51)

After spending a night at a ho...

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 June 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

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