Jokes of the day for Monday, 27 May 2019
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 27 May 2019 |
Gathering Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Why Should I Whistle?
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"
A boy asks his father to expla
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.
Amy Schumer: Worst Part About Drinking
You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When Im drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.The phrase "dead ringer" refer...
The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.What does two plus two equal?
A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?"
The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
Hillary goes to heaven
Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."
Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"
St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."
Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"
St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."
Tennis lesson
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."
A man and his wife received a...
A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you.
NOTE: “Please take only one drop”
So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion. The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.”
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
“Your father? Hmmm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.”
“So where is he?”
“Oh, that’s him I have on my back."
I never wear...
I never wear a Halloween costume... I'm a character all year long!New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Happiness at the bottom of the beer
“You can't find happiness at the bottom of the beer.” Well, no kidding. Who is happy when their beer runs out.There are three kinds of men...
There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.