Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 July 2019
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 05 July 2019
An Almost Affair
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest
"I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
Joke first seen Posted by Jem on thinkhumanism.com foruum, on July the 22nd, 2007,
Image by Peter H from Pixabay
Meeting of the professional photographers
“At the annual general meeting of the professional photographers many high-resolutions were put forward!”
A secretary walked into her bo...A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
Various popular diets
A nurse, who has done a lot of research about dieting, had given information about the various popular diets including Atkins, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and the South Beach Diet.
She then mentioned a diet about which we haven't heard previously, but which she insists works for almost everyone:
The Dawn Keye Diet
To Lose Weight, Keep your Ass out of the Refridgerator.
Music Store Robbery
A music store was robbed last week...
Thieves made away with the lute.
Catching A Criminal
"Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests.
'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.'
'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he?'"
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your WomanOne time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.
Birth control pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Answering Machine Message 208
(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!
Damn Parking Enforcement
I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
Farting parrotWhy should you feed margarine to a farting parrot?
Because – it’s polly unflatulated!
Quick fire drinks
Guy walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me three shots of your finest whiskey!"
The bartender pours the shots and the man downs them as quickly as he can.
Bartender says, "What was that about?" Guy says,
"You'd do the same if you had what I have."
Bartender: "What's that?"
Guy: "70 cents."