Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 July 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 12 July 2019 |
Death and Taxes
Death and taxes are inevitable...
But at least death doesn't get worse every year!
A man charged with assault and
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit".When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
How kind you are?
No matter how kind you are,
German children are kinder.
Joke found on reddit, posted by mattsulli in 2016
Photo by Elliot11 Medino on Pixabay
Refusal to offer mean assistant professor position
Herbert A. MillingtonChair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, Iregret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer mean assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusuallylarge number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising fieldof candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience inrejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs atthis time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professorin your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
Looking Into Their Eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
How Do You Pronounce Kissimee?
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
How to Produce Ugly Children
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom.
Unlucky Parachutist
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
Lewis Black: Absolute Faith
You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth. Neal Brennan: Shut It Down
If you work in porn, I dont know if you and your coworkers know this, but we have enough porn. You dont have to keep making it. You did a great job, we appreciate your service, but you can shut it down. Play Your Age
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don't know… why don't you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
The magazine about c...
“The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.”
