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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 21 July 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 21 July 2019

A seventy-six-year-old man mar

A seventy-six-year-old man married a woman less than half his age and took her off on honeymoon to the Caribbean. When he returned home, his sister asked him how it had gone.
"Oh, it was wonderful," he said, "We made love almost every night."
"That's quite a feat at your age," said the sister.
"Yes," he continued. "Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."
#joke #monday
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

The Wrong Finger

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "It makes sense, don't you think? After all I married the wrong man."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #23 - Funny Photo Slideshow

If all is love

“If all is love, will everything end in the Apuckerlips?”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.57/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (14)

The Very Funny John Pinette

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Cross-eyed dog

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 July 2016
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

 Letters From Charities


I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 December 2014
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

swimming

there was a blonde, bernett and a red-head on a broken ship. it takes two miles to get to shore, so the bernett swims 1 mile and drowns the red-head swam 1 mile and got eaten by a shark then the blonde swam 1 mile got tired and swam back

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 July 2011
  • Currently 3.57/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (63)

Every time Chuck Norris smiles...

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 July 2011
  • Currently 2.71/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (62)

Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place

Im from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, Hey, whered you grow up? Im like, Long Island. And hes like, Loser. Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. Im like, Ive seen the ocean. Game over.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 July 2010
  • Currently 3.02/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (50)

Eugene Mirman: Good Father

I dont have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 July 2011
  • Currently 2.90/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (48)

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 July 2010
  • Currently 5.28/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (36)

Each evening bird-lover Tom st...

Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 October 2016
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Long winded

A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you..."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 February 2017
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (19)

Tennis Shoes

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.
One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"
To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"  

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 April 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Foreman

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
“You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”
“What's that got to do with it?” he asked.
“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 April 2014
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

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