Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 July 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 25 July 2019 |
“When we learned lite
“When we learned literacy in elementary school, my teacher set up a metronome. We learned reading and writing to a rhythmic tick.”
Kids & Canoeing
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
Southern Pounderings
There was a fly buzzing around
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
The Preacher Buys A Parrot
A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
Temperance
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
New Gorilla in Bar
A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here." The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."
The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.
They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
In A Bad Nursing Home
The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home
- Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
- Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
- Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
- Its named Matlock Manor.
- No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
- Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
- You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
- Rectal thermometers made of wood.
- Two words: Community Bedpan.
Why God Created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lostin the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new
fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to
buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the
garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
Steve Byrne: Half-Korean, Half-Irish
Its weird when youre a mix. People just want to play detective with your face. Nine times out of 10, theyre polite: Where are you from? Im like, Pittsburgh. Theyre like, Pittsburgh, right. Seriously though, where are you from? Pittsburgh. Like Im from some mutant island south of the Philippines, the island of Half Asia. Its just me, Keanu Reeves and Tiger Woods on a beach all day playing volleyball.
Sea monster and ship
“After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka-Seltzer. He said, 'I can't believe I ate the hull thing.'”
The Skydiving Instructor
I went skydiving today for the first time.
This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.
As we plummeted he said, "So how long have you been an instructor?"