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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 August 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 06 August 2019

Turned 18 Today

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...
Guess I really am... Independent!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

What Time Is It?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another

jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. With other joggers passing by it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

Found on https://forums.runnersworld.co.uk, posted on July 2003 by Wolfy forum member.

#joke
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #47 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Undercooked steaks

“Undercooked steaks are a rare situation. Be careful or you will get a raw deal.”

#joke #short #pun
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

 Business One-liners 106


Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Conway's Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Cooke's Law: In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Tied spaghetti

I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night.

I ended up skipping dinner.

Found it on www.subsim.com Radio Room forum, originally posted by Jimbuna on January the 17th, 2014

#joke #pun # #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Restaurants Like Tech Support

If Restaurants Functioned Like Tech Support

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!!

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

One Sunday morning George burs...

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.""Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 July 2018
  • Currently 8.61/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (23)

Diagnosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 August 2016
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

A passenger in a taxi leaned o...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 August 2013
  • Currently 8.86/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (57)

Golf in Heaven

Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven.

The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.

"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.

"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 August 2011
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (39)

Three Vampires Go To A Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 August 2011
  • Currently 5.81/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (36)

Michael Ian Black: Ambien Racing Game

Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 August 2011
  • Currently 4.70/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (30)

Worst reply of a proposal...

Girl: I love you!
Boy: Hmm... And tell me, whats up??
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 August 2011
  • Currently 4.72/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (25)

An Unusual Vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself

through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two

vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their

owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his

income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,

you get your dog back!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 May 2012
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (45)

Seven Degrees Of Blonde

ONE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

TWO

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,

she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

#joke #blonde #policeman #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 February 2016
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

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