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Jokes of the day for Monday, 26 August 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 26 August 2019

Whirligig is a rock band

“A whirligig is a rock band playing in a helicopter.”

#joke #short #pun
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Is it a good baby?

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor's surgery.

"Why is your stomach so big?" he asks.

"I'm having a baby," she replies.

"Is the baby in your stomach?" he asks, with his big eyes.

"Yes, it is," she says.

"Is it a good baby?" he asks, with a puzzled look.

"Oh, yes. A really good baby," the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: "Then why did you eat him?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #103 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Flying On A Bad Airline

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline

  1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
  2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
  3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
  4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
  5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
  6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
  7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
  8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
  9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
  10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Yawning All Day

A bicycle rolls into the doctor's office.
It says, “ Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.”
The doctor says, “ Well, I think it’s because you’re too tired.”

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (13)

A hillbilly was making his fir

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 August 2017
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Oxymorons

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. 'Now, then ...'
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2016
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Tig: Where Would You Go?

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 August 2010
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (50)

Barbie and Paris

Q: What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?

A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 August 2013
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (44)

Blonde Light

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Put a flashlight in her ear.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 August 2011
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (35)

Several of the latest new jokes

What gets burning hot right before it freezes?
A laptop.

What do you call a Chinese kid who was born too early?
Wong Tai Ming.

What do you call a Southern kid who was born prematurely?
Earl Lee.

And one who was born late?
Tuk Tu Long.

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused
because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said "yes".

Why do we call him iron-man?
Calling him Fe-male would probably be pretty awkward.

I used to work at a factory making plastic Draculas.
I was only one of two employees, so I had to make every second Count.

You can't have a Public Pool
without P.

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".
"you are mean!" She replied.
I said "no, you are".

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

The trick

The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 June 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Speed Limit

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142" ...    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 July 2015
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

Thanksgiving

A man went one Thanksgiving to get a turkey from a live poultry farm. "Do you have any turkeys going cheap?" he asked."Nope," said the owner. "All our turkey go gobble, gobble.'"
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use fowl language.
Q: What's the most musical part of a turkey?
A: The drumstick.
Q: Which cat discovered America?
A: Christofurry Columbus.
#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 November 2015
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

A cowboy walks into a bar, sit...

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, "TGIF!" The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!" Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies, "Hell ya I know what it means, 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy, "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies, "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"
#joke #walksintoabar #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 July 2014
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (9)

Myq Kaplan: Long Distance Relationship

The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if its long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 March 2012
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (35)

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