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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 28 August 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 28 August 2019

Went into labor

“When she went into labor, her husband started having a midwife crisis.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.44/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (9)

Don’t Toy With Me

My kids were fighting over their toys. I warned them if they kept it up I would take the toys away. They didn’t stop so I took them away to teach them a lesson.
Afterwards, they were still fighting. I said, “That’s it!” and gave them their toys back.
Lesson learned.

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #32 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Buckle Up

Buckle up - it's harder for the aliens to abduct you!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Marriage problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Some 'Senior' personal ads s

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in "The Villages" Florida newspapers:

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY:

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes andbelt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let's get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosserto share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?

I still like to rock,still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 January 2018
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

Guilt...

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"

Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 September 2016
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

Inertia is a property of Chuck...

Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 2.21/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (58)

Dov Davidoff: Starbucks Service

I said, Thats the wrong drink. And he said, Sorry, dude, Im tired. And I was like, Have a frickin coffee, man. Thats why Im here.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (48)

The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on

his first assignment one day. He submitted the following

report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is

recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her

breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a

family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed

the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a

one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital

with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 4.52/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (44)

Pokemon for Adults

Q: What do you get when you cross Pikachu with porn?

A: Pikascrew.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 August 2013
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (42)

Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2016
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (33)

Pancakes and waffle

“I think every morning that I'm going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 December 2015
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

A drunk at the bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 October 2017
  • Currently 8.11/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (36)

Halls Of Justice

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 December 2016
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

A bit of Latin in my time

I've done a bit of Latin in my time . . . but I can control it.

Eddie Izzard (February 7 1962)

Picture: REX

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 April 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

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