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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 03 September 2019

Ban on hogging along

“When the local council imposed a ban on hogging along footpath the pet pigs, owners took it for grunted!”

#joke #short #animal #pig #pet
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

A man, submitting information

A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had.
"Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.95/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (20)

Can We Make It 9?

A guard tells a prisoner, "You will be released from prison at 5 a.m. tomorrow."
The prisoner replies, "Can we make it 9 a.m.? I'm not up yet at 5."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

1. A murderer is condemned to

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between threerooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full ofassassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions thathaven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water forover 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the wordsWednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quicklyyou can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinaryand plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact,nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it andthink about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if youwork at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Answers:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the Englishlanguage, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
How did you do?
#joke #friday #animal #lion #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 August 2017
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

 Answering Machine Message 05


Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 February 2017
  • Currently 1.81/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (16)

What's the difference...

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2016
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (16)

Chuck Norris is currently suin...

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 4.04/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (56)

Lynne Koplitz: Size Zero Roommate

She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? Thats the weirdest thing. I was like, Four grapes... To me grapes arent even a food. Theyre like a palate cleanser. Thats what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.
#joke #doctor #fruit #grapes #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 September 2010
  • Currently 4.23/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (43)

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weddings and Babies

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke #wedding
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 September 2009
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (34)

Signs You Have a Han

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

#joke #animal #bird #pet
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 4.16/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (32)

Drunk test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

#joke #policeman #food #sugar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 September 2017
  • Currently 8.16/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (32)

Drunk test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

#joke #policeman #food #sugar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 September 2011
  • Currently 4.09/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (11)

The Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"  

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 October 2015
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

The golf challange...

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes."

#joke #animal #tiger #sport #golf #golfer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 August 2017
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Ever go fishing?

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

#joke #policeman #animal #fish #sport #fishing
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 December 2015
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

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