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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 03 September 2019

Ban on hogging along

“When the local council imposed a ban on hogging along footpath the pet pigs, owners took it for grunted!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

A man, submitting information

A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had.
"Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.95/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (20)

SLIDESHOW #34 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Can We Make It 9?

A guard tells a prisoner, "You will be released from prison at 5 a.m. tomorrow."
The prisoner replies, "Can we make it 9 a.m.? I'm not up yet at 5."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

1. A murderer is condemned to

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between threerooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full ofassassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions thathaven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water forover 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the wordsWednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quicklyyou can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinaryand plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact,nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it andthink about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if youwork at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Answers:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the Englishlanguage, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
How did you do?
#joke #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 August 2017
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

 Answering Machine Message 05


Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 February 2017
  • Currently 1.81/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (16)

What's the difference...

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2016
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (16)

Chuck Norris is currently suin...

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 4.04/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (56)

Lynne Koplitz: Size Zero Roommate

She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? Thats the weirdest thing. I was like, Four grapes... To me grapes arent even a food. Theyre like a palate cleanser. Thats what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 September 2010
  • Currently 3.95/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (41)

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weddings and Babies

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 September 2009
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (34)

Signs You Have a Han

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 4.16/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (32)

Drunk test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 September 2017
  • Currently 8.10/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (31)

A California Highway Patrolman...

A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 May 2017
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (20)

My door was ajar, so...

“My door was ajar, so I added jelly, now it's a door jam.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 October 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

How confident people are

You can determine how confident people are by listening to what they don't say about themselves.~ Author Unknown

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 May 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."  

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 December 2014
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

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