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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 11 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 11 September 2019

Never Made A Mistake

I never made a mistake in my life!
I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Classy counter tops

“What fruit makes for classy counter tops? Pomegranite.”

#joke #short #fruit
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Goldfish in bathtub

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend Lauren over to see all her beautiful goldfish.

Lauren is impressed, and says, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

Diane replied, "Simple. I just blindfold them!"

#joke #animal #goldfish
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Eggs in marriage

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.

"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

#joke #food #breakfast #egg
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (17)

 This Dog Loves People


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.
While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.
Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."
"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Lengthy sermons...

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 September 2016
  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

Kissing a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 September 2009
  • Currently 6.87/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (68)

Dan Naturman: Airplane Movie Safety

Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so Im thinking, Would a hijacker watch a movie? Probably not, right?... But you know its a good movie if you land, and hes like, Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 September 2010
  • Currently 3.94/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (52)

Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 September 2011
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (51)

Starting At 8:05

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."

He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That's when I get here at 8:05."

#joke #sport #golf #golfer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 September 2010
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (50)

“A cannonball is a pa...

“A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 September 2013
  • Currently 4.31/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (32)

A man had just bought a parrot...

A man had just bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding.
"I suppose that bird talks?" he said to the auctioneer.
"Talks!" was the reply. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
#joke #short #animal #bird #parrot
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 January 2017
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Stand outside

I'm gonna go stand outside,

so if anybody asks you can just say i'am outstanding.

Photo by Jay Sadoff on Unsplash

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 July 2019
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (27)

Souped up car

My Russian mechanic souped up my car.
Now it drives like a Borscht!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

An engineer was crossing a roa...

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
#joke #animal #frog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 July 2016
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

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