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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 24 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 24 September 2019

Detecting Indian flatbread

I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.

My friends all say it's naan-sense.

Author: woodybuzzes reddit user.

#joke #short #pun #dadjoke
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Pancakes for the dogs

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

me: They’re for the dogs

wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

me: They don’t know how

Author: Josh

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

SLIDESHOW #129 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Mathematician gets divorced

“After a mathematician gets divorced the ex is no longer part of the equation.”

#joke #short #pun
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

Piece of beef into four pieces

Teacher: "If I divided a piece of beef into four pieces, what would I get?"

Student: "Quarters."

Teacher: "Right. Now if I divided the quarters again into halves what would I get?"

Student: "Eighths."

Teacher: "Right. Now if I divided those 8 pieces each into 8 more pieces what would I have?"

Student: "A hamburger."

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

You'll Never Believe This

Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly.
Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
He said, very softly, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

 Some Police Quotes


"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

"What Happens Here, Stays Here

"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:
1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)
2) It's The Gambling, Stupid
3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home
4) Where Luck Goes to Die
5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong
6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 August 2019
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Jobs at the food company...

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2016
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

Chuck Norris listens to "Requi...

Chuck Norris listens to "Requiem for a Tower" when he eats pancakes.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 September 2013
  • Currently 3.12/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (50)

Dating a Nun

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeerLover

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 September 2009
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (48)

Sticks and stones may break yo...

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquify your kidneys.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 September 2011
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (45)

Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 September 2010
  • Currently 4.77/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (43)

Kangaroo Sleepovers

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 September 2013
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (36)

Playing the Game

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.22/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (18)

Advice from lawyers

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 June 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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