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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Coming Home

A woman calls her mother.
"My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again."
Her mother replies, "No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Do you need a new car?

Do you need a new car? Here's a little help for you if you can't figure out the answer yourself.

1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

2. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

3. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

4. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

5. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

6. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."

7. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #37 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Big army ants

“What do you call really big army ants? GI-ants.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Good bye, Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,

it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store,

the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tearjerker. Don't trust little old ladies!

#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

 Assign The Punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2016
  • Currently 9.06/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (34)

q: What do you get when you c...

q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 September 2008
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (68)

Hurt Bee Back

Q: How did the bee hurt his back?

A: He fell off his honey.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 September 2013
  • Currently 3.68/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (44)

As President Roosevelt said: "...

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 September 2011
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (44)

Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible

10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!
9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays.
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.
3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 September 2009
  • Currently 2.68/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (44)

The Other 2 Wishes – A Blonde Redneck Guy Story

A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

#joke #blonde #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 September 2018
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (34)

Proudly showing off his new ap...

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 26 November 2014
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

Love vs Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is a long, hot ride.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothings in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothings in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 April 2018
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

A woman is meeting with her sh...

A woman is meeting with her shrink. She confides the following problem.
"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My father is a convict. My mother is a Devil worshipper. My brother is in an asylum and I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a lawyer?"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 July 2015
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Rainforest Cafe

I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.
This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

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