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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Coming Home

A woman calls her mother.
"My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again."
Her mother replies, "No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you."

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Do you need a new car?

Do you need a new car? Here's a little help for you if you can't figure out the answer yourself.

1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

2. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

3. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

4. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

5. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

6. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."

7. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Big army ants

“What do you call really big army ants? GI-ants.”

#joke #short #animal #ant
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Good bye, Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,

it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store,

the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tearjerker. Don't trust little old ladies!

#joke #mother #mom
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

 Assign The Punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

#joke #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2016
  • Currently 9.09/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (35)

q: What do you get when you c...

q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 September 2008
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (68)

Hurt Bee Back

Q: How did the bee hurt his back?

A: He fell off his honey.

#joke #short #animal #bee #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 September 2013
  • Currently 3.68/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (44)

As President Roosevelt said: "...

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 September 2011
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (44)

Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible

10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!
9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays.
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.
3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

#joke #animal #lion #food #dinner #drinks #wine #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 September 2009
  • Currently 2.68/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (44)

The Other 2 Wishes – A Blonde Redneck Guy Story

A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 September 2018
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (34)

No worries

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 November 2016
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

A man was walking along a Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my car there?"

The genie laughed , "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-how much steel! And the maintenance of that bridge! No - think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I'm married to a redhead. So, I wish that I could understand her... know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment...... know what she really wants when she says 'nothing'... know how to make her truly happy......I want to know how she can be so damn sexy one second and be the devils daughter, the next. I really want to understand her and how she thinks!"

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 October 2008
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (12)

Why Did the Fish Blush?

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

#joke #short #animal #fish
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

Racism isn't born

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

Denis Leary (August 18 1957-)

Picture: Larry Busacca/Getty Images

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 April 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

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