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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 29 September 2019

Good, Bad and Worse

Good, Bad and Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Tech Support

Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?"
User: (describes problem)
Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)
User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
Tech: "Okay... 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #11 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Give up my job as a plumber

“I had to give up my job as a plumber. It was just too draining.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

 Knock Knock Collection 163


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shelby!
Shelby who?
Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes..!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shelly Cohn!
Shelly Cohn who?
Shelly Cohn carne!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherbert!
Sherbert who?
Sherbert forest is where Robin Hood lived!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry your lunch and I'll be your best friend!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry dance?

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 July 2019
  • Currently 2.38/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (16)

New dog breeds

The American Kennel club has decided to recognize these newbreeds of Dogs that are the result of cross breeding

Collie + Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot.

Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.

Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Pekingese + Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever:Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound,a dog for financial advisers.

Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 October 2016
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (52)

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 September 2013
  • Currently 8.35/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (49)

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 September 2009
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (46)

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 September 2010
  • Currently 6.08/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (40)

Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family

They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (30)

I look

I look back on my life and i'm extremely impressed that i'm still alive!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 May 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

There Are No Dogs Allowed Here


A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 December 2014
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

How Many Wives?

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 February 2019
  • Currently 8.41/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (54)

Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis

My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 September 2011
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (52)

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one you should be sure to email to your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side, while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

#joke #thanksgiving #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 March 2015
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

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