Jokes of the day for Sunday, 24 November 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 24 November 2019 |
Get Away With Murder
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
Bad Shoulder
A guy goes to see the doctor for his aching shoulder problem. The doctor said, "Okay, it is a bit inflamed. What I want you to do is put a bag of frozen peas on it, on and off for a week."
"The peas will work?" the guy asked.
The doctor replies, "Yes, just give peas a chance."
Friar Whitney Cummings on Stage – Explaining Love
Didn't work 40 hours
“I didn't work 40 hours a week at the medical marijuana store. I was a pot time worker.”
A dying mans wish...
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.
A man and his wife were having
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were givingeach other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the nextday, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morningbusiness flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote ona piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Two girlfriends were speeding ...
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph."Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."
Chuck Norris once broke the la...
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Boy Scout on the plane
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.
Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.
The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."
Too Much Analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
Soft Hands
Q. What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful? A. Nothing, nothing at all.
Bad weather
This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.
So the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
First day at school
The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."