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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 30 November 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 30 November 2019

Grandpa was showing little Joh

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

A Crush On Beyoncé

Me: "I think I have a crush on Beyoncé..."
Her: "Whatever floats your boat."
Me: "No, that’s buoyancy."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #22 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Two racetracks

“I owned two racetracks but I rented them to others. I was the lessor of two ovals.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Overcrowded Church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 September 2018
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (17)

Another miracle....

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 December 2016
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

A man comes into the ER and ye

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discoveredthat he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ..Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"
--won't admit his name
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 March 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

A man was walking down the bea...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 November 2009
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (65)

The grass is always greener on...

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 November 2011
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (47)

Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 November 2011
  • Currently 6.59/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (44)

Old Josh was sat in his garden...

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 November 2017
  • Currently 7.68/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (37)

Tom Papa: Friends Over 30

Ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know theyre counting co-workers.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 November 2011
  • Currently 5.16/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (31)

Identify The Problem

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 March 2018
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

When You Go

If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
European.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Wish granted???

A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 28 July 2017
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Two long-time golfing buddies...

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 February 2019
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (15)

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