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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 10 December 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 10 December 2019

“Ratify is how a witc

“Ratify is how a witch turns a person into a rodent.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

What's Wrong Doc?

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.76/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (21)

SLIDESHOW #121 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A helicopter was flying around

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterdaywhen an electrical malfunction disabled all of theaircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot couldnot determine his position or course to steer to theairport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in thehelicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" inlarge letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to theaircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a buildingwindow. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map anddetermined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma)airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked thepilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helpeddetermine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be theMICROSOFT building because they gave me a technicallycorrect but completely useless reply.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

 Knock Knock Collection 172


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sybil!
Sybil who?
Sybil Simon met a pieman...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tad!
Tad who?
Tad's all folks!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Taipei!
Taipei who?
Taipei sixty words a minute is pretty fast!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tamara!
Tamara who?
Tamara the world!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tank!
Tank who?
Your welcome!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A heavily bandaged man was sit

A heavily bandaged man was sitting up in bed at the hospital when his friend came to visit. "What happened to you?" the friend asked.
"Well, we went to the amusement park and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I went around again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn't see what the sign said. By now I was determined, so I went around a third time. As we reached the top I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked his friend.
"Yeah... The sign said 'Remain seated at all times!'"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 March 2019
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

Grandma's revenge

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 15 December 2016
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

A man phones home from his off...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 December 2009
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (63)

In a fight between Batman and ...

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 December 2011
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (45)

The Sharkeisha super falcon pu...

The Sharkeisha super falcon punch is as close as anyone has ever gotten to the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 November 2013
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (49)

Kristen Schaal: Family Friendly

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 January 2017
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

An Atheist's Holiday

An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?"
The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"
#joke #lawyer #christmas #aprilfoolsday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 September 2015
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

The Death of Black Magic

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 November 2015
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

A Depressed Blonde Guy Walks Into A Bar

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The Blonde Guy replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

A few months later the guy is back in the bar.

The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.

Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"

The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

#joke #blonde #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 15 June 2018
  • Currently 6.22/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (18)

I recently had a visitor from...

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.
Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Mighty Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"
He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 February 2016
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Hemingway was fascinated by ag...

Hemingway was fascinated by aging popes. That why he wrote Old Man in the See.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 January 2017
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

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