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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 11 December 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 11 December 2019

A diner was agitated that the

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (20)

“Losing all your teet

“Losing all your teeth would really suck.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #103 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Capital of North Carolina

Joe: "I know the capital of North Carolina."
Sam: "Really?"
Joe: "No, Raleigh."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

A helicopter was flying around

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterdaywhen an electrical malfunction disabled all of theaircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot couldnot determine his position or course to steer to theairport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in thehelicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" inlarge letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to theaircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a buildingwindow. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map anddetermined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma)airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked thepilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helpeddetermine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be theMICROSOFT building because they gave me a technicallycorrect but completely useless reply.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

A job at the zoo

A father of six children had been out of work for six months. In desperation, he was reading through the want ads in the paper and came across an ad for someone to work at the zoo. The man called the zoo and asked if he could have the job, but was told that he would need to come in for an interview.

The next day he went to the interview, but before beginning, he was told by his potential employer that he would need to raise his hand to the square and promise that the proceedings of the interview would be kept confidential, whether he got the job or not. The man reluctantly took the oath, then asked what this job and oath were all about.

The zoo owner asked the man what he thought the zoo's main attraction was. Without hesitation the man replied, 'Everyone knows that. It's the big ape!'

'Well,' said the zoo owner, 'this is the part you cannot divulge, because we would lose our business. The big ape died, and we need to keep it a secret by putting the ape skin on someone who can imitate the ape--at least until the new ape arrives in three months.' 'That's me!' said the man. 'I can do that! I was a gymnast in high school and college.' The zoo owner then challenged the man to audition by acting like an ape. The man assumed crouched position and began running, jumping, and swinging around the room, imitating the actions and sounds of an ape. 'Wow! You're really good!' said the owner, and immediately gave the man the job.

The next day the man, dressed as the ape, went into the cage and was an instant hit. Everyone heard how the ape was preforming and came to the zoo to see him. The crowds got bigger and bigger as time went by, and the front page of the paper proclaimed, 'The ape has gone ape!'

About two months before the new ape was to arrive, the man had about five hundred people in front of his cage, and he was waxing eloquent. He was flipping and jumping and swinging everywhere, when all of a sudden, at the top of a swing, his rope broke and threw him into the lion's cage. He rolled a few times, coming to rest against the bars, and turned to find himself across the cage from the king of beasts, who lay across the cage with his head down on one paw. He knew right way that he was in trouble, so he began screaming like an ape and running back and forth along the bars in hopes that someone would rescue him from this situation. No one moved. As he looked again, the lion began to move slowly and stalk him. The lion then growled, curled his upper lip over his teeth, and assumed a position to leap. Just at this moment, the man decided that his family was more important to him than his promise to the owner of the zoo. He looked up and started screaming, 'Help! Help! I'm not really an ape, I'm a man. Get me out of here!' The lion looked at him and said in a loud whisper, 'Hush up, you fool! You'll get us both fired!'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 December 2016
  • Currently 8.90/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (21)

 To Do In Space Station


The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

  1. Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
  2. Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
  3. Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!

  4. Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.
  5. When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.
  6. Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.
  7. Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
  8. Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.
  9. Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
  10. Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.


#joke #newyear #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 August 2016
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (14)

At NC State University, the...

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 December 2009
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (53)

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 December 2015
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (51)

Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows

When a woman has an orgasm, its like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. Its awesome. Even other women are like, Aw, shes having a nice time; thats cool. When a guy has an orgasm, its like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, youre going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 December 2011
  • Currently 3.42/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (48)

Brian Regan: Unilingual

Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? Im not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldnt say that. I dont give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 December 2010
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (43)

New Dog Food

We put our dog on a vegan diet, and she's doing really well...
She's eaten two so far.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

The Death of Black Magic

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 November 2015
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

This young man was elated when ...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.
“Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven,” his father said.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 November 2014
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

A boy had reached four without...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 March 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Politicians Accident

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 February 2016
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

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