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Jokes of the day for Monday, 30 December 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 30 December 2019

“Some students pore o

“Some students pore over their lessons, while others just give them a preflunktory glance.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Pet Name

Igor: "Why do you call your pet fawn 'Ninety-Nine Cents'?"
Boris: "Because it’s not old enough to be a buck."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #122 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Answering Machine Message 91


(Guns & Roses' "Civil War":) What we've got here is... Failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... I don't like it any more than you do.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

Witch doctor weather

A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, "Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.

"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.

"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 January 2017
  • Currently 8.65/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (17)

A housewife with three young c...

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.
She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 August 2016
  • Currently 4.46/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (35)

Young King Arthur was ambushed

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 January 2016
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

A man was walking down the str...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularlydirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollarsfor dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I giveyou this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can getjust to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" theman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead offood?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'mgoing to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you fordoing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a manlooks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 30 December 2018
  • Currently 8.97/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (75)

Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 December 2009
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (64)

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris...

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 December 2013
  • Currently 4.23/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (56)

Computer Flatlined..

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 December 2010
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (34)

Talking Frog

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."   

#joke
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

The Wrong Last Rites

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every Friday night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says in a solemn voice:
"B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."
#joke #policeman #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 August 2015
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Smoking sisters

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,

'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.

'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'

'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'

'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'

The sister thought for a minute and finally said:

'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 July 2016
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

A hunter was rushed into the e...

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 January 2015
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Pete Holmes: Employee Discount

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 February 2010
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (37)

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