Jokes of the day for Thursday, 23 January 2020
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 23 January 2020 |
A man approached a local perso
A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting."What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
“What do you call a s
“What do you call a survey you fill out after staying in a motel? Innput.”
Answering Machine Message 163
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
Insurance Assurance
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...
They assured him he would be covered.
Anyone who leads a plow animal
Anyone who leads a plow animal onto the links can, in my opinion, golf ox themselves.My prayers are answered...
A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!"
A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine. But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and said, "When we came he had a hat!"
Personal Ads That Were Probabl
Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER AnsweredSWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.$800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.
SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.
SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theoriesand help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Agemusic, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.ISO compatible F.
SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with orw/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.
SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet womanof similar interests Must be ambidextrous.
DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking yourfriends in closets, We already have three things in common !Let's get together.
DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real innerbeauty. Send latest X-rays.
DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollarRiviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.
SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shownon"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot
Coffee Maker
The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."
A man runs to the doctor and s...
A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"
Passing A School Bus
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny."Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"
I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:
"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".
There were these two blondes d...
There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."
The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."
They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.
The one blonde says to the other, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house they went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Any little ones yet?
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"
"You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father." Said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody \\candle out!"